do you really think she'll pull through?

new livejournal:

http://www.livejournal.com/users/danger_please

i have had this journal for a disgusting amount of time & i'm at the point where friends only is the way to go for me. i've created a new one, i'll add you. & if you read & i don't know, comment to be added.

last night i dined in great company! kent, dave & dan. it was wonderful.

today i saw coheed play in central park at summerstage with ben.
we got there early, so i had a choice view, not to mention it was a free show, which is hardly ever bad.
& i came home with a REALLY AWESOME sunburn.

two nights ago, he calls me.
after a month and out of the blue, i stutter and don't know what to say.
he misses me, he's going on tour in september. i am so confused.
i've come so far! really, i have.
but i can't escape the fact that i still think about him...always.
i visited him at work, and i just realized i'm typing this whole entry in bullets form.

i am driving myself crazy.
slowly,
but surely.

last night i dreamt i drove across the hudson with the intent of finding you. i drove right up to your house and parked my car outside your door, i didn't knock, i walked in and sat down facing your sister. we talked and laughed and i sat wondering when you would come tumbling down the stairs. you finally did and i could hear your footsteps behind me, i inhaled and when i turned around you looked at me and said, "maigread, i hate you but god damn am i happy to see you." and you plopped me down on your couch, i sunk deep into its cushions and you cradled my face between your hands. needless to say, i woke up with my chest heaving. none of this actually happened and i still can't stop thinking about it.

yesterday i won $10 (!!!) in a scratch off ticket that my aunt kindly gave to me & then i enjoyed a lovely dinner with a lovely gentleman, followed by time spent on the floating pier in town. it was so pleasant & i was starting to forget that boys take girls out to dinner and it's common practice. bizzarre!

today i'm off from work, my plans are showering, eating cold chinese food and babysitting later tonight. followed by a redevous with autumn at a party. full house is on right now. life rulezzzzzzz.

i feel awesome! i just got home from my last night of summer class, i got a big fat A on my paper as well as another one on my oral presentation. i then bumped into a friend of the ex, who gave me some pretty lovely info to chew on. driving home there was no traffic & i sang my heart out to alanis morrisette's "you oughta know" which just happened to be on the radio. my new atm card arrived so i can finally take out money again, and as i walk in the door, my dad is putting dinner on the table. tonight is beer & i'm really starting to enjoy the simple things, once again.

i saw the academy is last night at the knitting factory. i left sweaty & bruised. i hadn't been so happy at a show in a long time. i felt like i was fifteen at club krome in jersey, leaving soaking wet. & i couldn't help but laugh at girls who go to shows in mini skirts. what are they thinking? i'm sure the academy is will blow up soon enough and spawn some sort of fall out boy-ish following, but for now, i'm smitten.

q & not u are playing the knitting factory on wednesday, september 20th.
AND! AND! AND! minus the bear & these arms are snakes are playing the night after.

"out of the ash i rise with my red hair and i eat men like air." -sylvia plath.

my sister kelsey is going to niagara university in the fall, so my mom, kelsey's bff anna & myself took the 8 hour drive up there to check it out a few days ago.( Read more... )

delayed... fourth of july.

i took the bus to work today, and even though i'm still getting used to this idea of sharing a car with my sister, i kind of enjoyed the ride home today. seeing as the roads in westchester flood almost everytime it rains, delays come alongside bad weather in westchester. i pressed my face to the window and dabbled in reading the post a little, too.

i thought about how much relationships with one's parents effect the relationships they have with other people. & i thought of how close i am to my dad, seeing as he is hands down the most dependable person i know (next to my mother, of course) and how he has never let me down. i think of girls who have shitty relationships with their fathers and how often they stay with guys who treat them poorly...or girls who have no fathers, or deceased fathers who therefore cling onto a male presence in their lives. maybe that's why she held onto him for so long, i thought and snickered at myself, thinking that i've got to be the only girl who thinks of her ex-boyfriend's ex-girlfriends.

maybe that's why i know that this is for the better. my uncertainity about the whole situation is a dead giveaway about how confused i am. as much as i miss him, i know that i gave it a second chance. i gave it a third. shit, maybe we let each other slide on too many things. but love is blind and it's not until you've stepped away from it all that things begin to make sense. when did love become a "get out of jail free" card anyway? my head is scrambled & i caught myself crying after a few drinks last night, meaning it's waiting to fizzle out of me somehow.

psssh, i am so going back to boarding up my heart.

my mini-vacation to the beach proved to be extremely beneficial. in the past twenty four hours i have probably drank more beer than ever & benny and myself were the reigning champions of beer pong. i also fell asleep at an early 3:00 am but woke up this morning and hit the sand right away.

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i'm off to the beach, later suckazzzzzz*.


* = the overuse of the letter "z" proves just how excited i am. really.

jay-z steals my heart one more time with "dear summer". sad thing is, i can easily apply it to my current situation. "summer" has been replaced with "angel" seeing as he knows who he is.

dear [angel], i know you gon' miss me
for we been together like nike airs and crisp tees
s dots with polo fleeces
purple label shit with the logo secret
gimme couple years, shit i might just sneak in
a couple words and like peaches and herb
we'll be reunited and it feels so hood
have the whole world saying "how you still so good?"
well i do this in my slumber [angel]
i ain't none of these half-assed newcomers, you know how i do [angel]
i drop heat, when you bring the sun up
the combo make niggaz act up, i pick the gun up
niggaz back up; they know i'm not no fronter
i don't talk shit, i just flip it +un+ ya
sorry lance, i'm just trying to advance my quotes
i ain't making you the butt of my jokes
but let's not stray from what i came to say
to my beloved, think we need some time away
they say if you love it, you should let it out its cage
and fuck it, if it comes back you know it's there to stay
it's tugging, at my heart, but this time apart is needed.

it is much harder to follow your head instead of following your heart.

today:

i shot digital pictures of a wedding in queens with a massive & expensive digital nikon. it was kind of awesome, plus so is being paid $130.

i (politely, might i add) dodged a "why don't you just be my girlfriend?" text message this afternoon & acted like it was never said at all.

i then rushed home to babysit at 6:30.
i watched cooking shows & informed an shaky 5th grader that middle school is all hype & not really that bad, ahem $50.

i paralled parked, visited christiana at work & was notified of girlie times later.

i then came home to discover that a fuse blew in my house & my sister and i both don't have power in our rooms, currently.

today i didn't even have to use my A.K., i got to say it was a good day.

i feel almost as if the days are getting shorter & shorter before my very eyes, and/or that i am growing older quicker than i'd like to. my sister graduated from high school yesterday & it was the craziest feeling. i can't believe she's starting college in the fall. i am so proud of that little sugar blossom (!!!). to celebrate, i drank two coronas and fell asleep, exhausted.

tomorrow, i'm going to queens to work as a "photographic assistant" at a wedding with my uncle ($$$). then i'm babysitting (more $$$). sunday i'm working (a little more $$$) & monday i'm modeling in brooklyn for neighborhoodies, think myspace banner ads (no $$$ but how this happened, i do not know, it's just awesome). i'm excited about the idea of money in my pocket, shooting photographs with really nice, expensive cameras & not having to worry about cost of film, paper, etc.

i have a new found love for muenster cheese. the countdown until autumn comes back starts & it's 12 days. i fucking miss my girl. & as for my heart, i'm trying real hard to pretend that it's there at all.

current happenings.

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as of lately.

can anyone out there burn/send me that brazilian girls album with the song "pussy" on it? it is so catchy and i cannot get it out of my skull.

working on a regular basis is not so bad at all, especially since it's so hot out and my store is always arctic. neither is class, which is also in a chilly classroom.

yesterday, there was a blackout in the building i had class in so we got out almost two hours early. what a treat. tiffany & i were then publicly fatasses & discussed the current events of our lives over mcdonald's. i then returned to rockland & enjoyed some quality company in some more air conditioning which is one thing my home is lacking.

&i still can't get over "pucker up buttercup" being the cutest line ever. heehee.